Welcome to visitors via Ray Shaw's newsletter.A couple of points: This script should be read with a mental American accent. I was the guest speaker at the function pretending to be from Dell, it was all a big leg pull and was hugely successful. Secondly, drop Ray an email and tell him he should book me for some of the conferences intermedia organises. :o)
For more up to date stuff, visit my weblog. Thanks
[SLIDE – NAME] My name is Steve Davis I am the vice president, acquisitions at Dell Computers Good morning. I have just flown in [SLIDE – "DELL" LEAR JET] on my personal jet so since I am down under, maybe I should say “geeday”.
I understand I only have 5 minutes today. What is it with you Aussies? I am meeting with Queensland’s president Beattie to discuss our acquisition, he gives me 5 minutes. I am flying to Sydney tomorrow for an acquisition meeting, [SLIDE – Telstra logo blurred] Ziggy gives me 5 minutes. I am glad I am not heading to one of your massage parlours…what can you do in 5 minutes?
I know that to some of you Dell is a four letter word. But let’s face it, that’s got be better than IBM, [SLIDE – IBM LOGO] only a 3 letter word. [SLIDE – DELL]
At Dell we know that despite having great product at competitive prices we have an image problem. [SLIDE – call centre] That’s not the problem, this is the problem, just look at how hard these people are working. [SLIDE – call centre] She’s more interested in looking good, [SLIDE – call centre] he’s picking his nails, [SLIDE – call centre] this guy’s playing Solitaire.
At Dell we have our finger on the pulse of the IT industry so we know there is a general perception that we are a faceless organisation based in a call centre. So I want to set the record straight. Dell is not a faceless organisation based in a call centre in Malaysia. Dell is a faceless organisation based in a call centre in India.
And that is where I am heading when I leave Australia, after I have finished buying telecom stock at a rock bottom price. To Asia, which as you would know is the IT powerhouse of the world.
[SLIDE - DELL HQ] I was in a meeting with Michael at the Dell HQ in Austin the other day and he confided to me that he is a bit nervous about his position. Not his position as President of Dell, but as the 5th richest person in the world.
For that reason he has decided that although Dell is expanding, especially with Australia acquisitions, we do need to cut costs. Let me assure you that Michael Dell is a people person. However, that does not mean the people have to be from the United States or even Australia.
Since his worth is about 2.3 times the GDP of ½ the countries in the world, [SLIDE – UN logo] Michael is making an offer to the Secretary of the UN, Kofie Anan, and to his brother, decaffeinated Anan.
In short, it is an options-for-land deal. The UN gets a 49% stake in Dell, Michael gets his choice of any debt ridden dictatorship and all the programmers that live there. Think about it and you will see the smarts. This is the ultimate in-house dream. Not only are your people your employees, but they are also your citizens.
In short, if they don’t shape up, they ship out. [SLIDE – REFUGEE BOAT]
As part of this move, there is to be a shift from our current corporate HQ in Austin [SLIDE - DELL HQ] to our new HQ in the backwaters of the city of our choice. [SLIDE – SLUM]. These places may not look great, but they have great bandwidth, look at the pipe coming straight to the door. [SLIDE – PIPE OUTSIDE SLUM]
We know you, our customers, will approve of the corporate changes because they will ultimately lead to a better Dell product at an even lower price in a currency that has a better exchange rate than the greenback.
Let me introduce some of our new international executives just waiting to serve you.
[SLIDE - Masood] Massood is Dell’s main installation man. Just looking at him you can see he is on the case. Let’s have a look at his work at our new HQ when he forgot to take his medication. [SLIDE – CABLES ON BUILDING] [SLIDE – CABLES 2] You can see we select our staff for their unique abilities. Some of our other staff…
It takes years of experience to achieve expertise dealing with warranty. [SLIDE – Win Lei ] Win Lei, still suffering the effects of being sponsored by a New Zealand farmer, is the best in the business.
When it comes to customer service, [SLIDE - Neptune] no one gets things resolved as quickly and effectively as Neptune. Always a delight to talk to or do lunch with.
[SLIDE - Mozilla] You need delicate touch and an eagle eye to be in Quality Control. Under Mozilla’s guidance Dell has achieved AS666 standard.
The receptionist is often the first contact a person has with any company. [SLIDE - Melissa] Melissa knows that it is important to look your best every day.
[SLIDE - Wahid] Taking the pain out of Dell deliveries, Wahid reckons customers are getting a bargain at $99. A bonus offer until December 12th, you get to keep the manure – delivered free.
Human Relations needs a people person. [SLIDE - Victor]Viktor came to Dell after the unfortunate collapse of the Village People – he’s always the life of the party.
[SLIDE - DELL Logo] There you have it folks. You may have always thought of Dell as a faceless company, its been our policy…and looking at our staff you can see why.
On behalf of Michael, all the real people behind the great products at Dell, have a safe a fantastic holiday season.
[SLIDE - HAHAHA.COM.AU URL] You’ve been a great audience, my name really IS Steve Davis and you can visit my website at hahaha.com.au